Relationship Anxiety, Causes, and How to Cope
It is normal to experience some amount of anxiety in a romantic relationship - anxiety is meant to keep you alert and vigilant about potential danger and threats. When it comes to relationships, our heart and feelings are at risk, so we are likely to be cautious and thoughtful. However, for many individuals, relationship anxiety can become obsessive, distressing, and interfere with daily life.
What is Relationship Anxiety?
Relationship anxiety refers to chronic worry, doubts, uncertainty, and a desire for excessive reassurance when it relates to dating and relationships. This anxiety often shows up more during the early stages of dating, when there is more uncertainty about the security of the relationship, but can show up at any stage of a relationship, including after marriage.
Relationship anxiety should be differentiated from relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is characterized by intrusive thoughts and obsessions surrounding your relationship, yourself within the context of your relationship, or your partner. Compulsions might include asking for reassurance from your partner or from friends/family, googling online how to know if someone is “the one”, or comparing your relationship to others. ROCD can be thought of along the same spectrum as relationship anxiety, but to a much more intense and distressing extent.
Signs of Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety can show up as:
Fear of abandonment, including chronic worry that the relationship will end or your partner will leave you
Doubt and insecurity, feeling as though you aren’t good enough for your partner or fear that your partner won’t ultimately choose to be with you
Hyperawareness of changes in behavior, as well as over-analysis of what small changes might mean
Difficulty with separation, both in time apart and when you must leave the presence of one another
Heightened nervous system reactivity, such as feelings of tenseness, increased heart rate, sweating, when interacting with your partner or thinking about them
Controlling behaviors towards your partner (an attempt to feel secure)
Obsessing about the relationship, your partner and how they feel, how you are presenting, whether the relationship will work out, etc.
Difficulty with trust, questioning your partner’s intentions, loyalty, behaviors, or feelings
Feeling as though you people-please your partner
Contributors to Relationship Anxiety
Attachment Style: Having an insecure attachment style, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or disorganized attachment, is likely to manifest in doubt and anxiety within relationships. Click here to learn more about attachment styles and how to change them.
Trauma History: A traumatic history, including a chaotic, unpredictable childhood, or trauma in past relationships such as bad endings, unhealthy dynamics, or betrayals can all lead to significant anxiety in relationships. Click here to learn more trauma and how it can impact relationships.
Low Self-Worth: Low self-esteem can impact what you think you deserve regarding love and relationships, and you may doubt yourself.
Partner Behavior and Communication: If you sense that a partner is emotionally unavailable, distant, or lacks communication surrounding emotions, they are more likely to trigger uncertainty and relationship anxiety.
How to Manage Relationship Anxiety
Stay Present: Much of anxiety revolves what could possibly go wrong in the future. When you notice that your brain is asking “what if?” or trying to “figure things out”, that it’s trying to protect you, but there’s no way to predict what will happen, and you are better off staying present to actually enjoy the moment as opposed to worrying.
Reduce Stress by regular practices that help with anxiety levels, such as getting adequate sleeping, having a regular exercise routine, spending time in nature, eating healthy foods, and connecting with loved ones regularly.
Practice Open Communication: Communicate your feelings clearly, choosing an appropriate time to reveal fears and insecurities, which can help deepen the bond between you. Furthermore, asking for direct communication eliminates the “wondering” about someone else’s feelings or intentions.
Limit Reassurance Seeking: While asking a friend, your partner, or the internet for answers like “How do I know they like me?” or “Can you decipher this text message?” or “10 signs they’re into you” may be tempting, the behavior actually reinforces anxiety, making it more likely for you to worry.
Choose Wisely: Do you notice that certain behaviors, like being aloof, trigger your anxiety, while certain behaviors, like regular communication, alleviate your anxiety and soothe your nervous system? Take note of how someone makes you feel, and who decreases or increases anxiety.
Build Self-Esteem: Working on your self-esteem, whether with a professional or on your own, can help you recognize what you value in another person, as well as set standards and boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate.
Go to Therapy: There’s a reason that so many people who go to therapy are seeking help surrounding relationships! Therapy can you understand where your anxiety originates, how to address attachment styles, develop coping mechanisms, improve communication, and learn how to tolerate distance and discomfort.
Be Compassionate: Anxiety is incredibly uncomfortable, and worry-thoughts are difficult to deal with! You are not choosing to feel this way, nor are you “being dramatic” or anything else you might be judging yourself for. In fact, judgment just creates another painful emotion to deal with - instead, give yourself compassion for this painful experience, and recognize that there is hope to better manage it going forward.
If relationships are important to you, you can expect to have some worry around it. However, when the levels of anxiety are interfering with your functioning or are incredibly painful, it may be helpful to better understand your relationship patterns, attachment style, and what specific coping methods can help if you’re obsessing about a relationship. A great place to seek guidance is with a therapist who specializes in relationships.
